When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
