I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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