your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
