i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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