Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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