I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
