I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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