so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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