at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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