Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
