You just made me feel so damn special
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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