Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
