at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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