we're chasing vodka with high fives
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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