i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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