Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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