I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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