Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize