OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
