It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
