Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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