Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
