I just threw up on my dentist
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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