Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
