Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
