bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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