I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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