im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
