Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
