The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
