im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
