I just cut my nipple shaving
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
