Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
