Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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