In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
