apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
