Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
