Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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