the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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