I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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