Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
