He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
