They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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