Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
