the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
