New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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