I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
