Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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