im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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