i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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