I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
