Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
