did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
