last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
