Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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