Having a random hookup so left but love u
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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