When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
