I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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