did you get engaged???
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
