Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
