i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
