My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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