when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
