That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Randomize
