my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Come on in and take your pants off
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