My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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