he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
