My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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